"you ruined christmas"

so today, while christmas shopping, i felt it.
i started to hate christmas. not a lot. just a little bit and that makes me really sad.
i havent been listening to any christmas songs as i usually would around this time, but instead, ive been avoiding them. i guess because almost all of them are about feeling lonely on what is supposed to be a joyous season.
i find myself disliking children and the parents that bring them around to see the city. hating the tourists at rockerfeller center, gazing upon a large tree. hating shopping! (of all things).
it doesnt feel like christmas at all. the weather is too warm and snow doesnt fall when its suppose to for me anymore.
life would be a whole lot simpler if it were like a charlie brown christmas special.
i can run and walk down many city blocks, but i can never hide from feeling lonely.
i guess this is why so many people hate it. almost everyone at the radio station had the same response when i asked them to do holiday carts.
i used to be excited for every holiday that had a history. i mean holidays with costumes and fat people coming down your imaginary chimney. not ones where we remember our dead uncle from war such and such and go out shopping because of massive sales.
i mean, i really got upset over things not going according to tradition or fulfilling some type of "specialness" that holidays are suppose to have somehow, like pixie dust.
you know how in cartoon specials, theres always that one character that loses faith and magically gains in back within a 45 minute holiday special? well, maybe i need something like that. i need to believe again. believe - what the fuck does that mean? whatever.