golden skans

i thought about all the men in my life today. all the ones that i care(d) about. i thought about what they wouldve said to me in light of my educational pursuits.

my daniel from the past wouldve told me flat out i wasnt built for it. that i wouldnt've been able to make it despite how much he wanted to believe in me.

the last daniel wouldve probably never believed in me. he probably wouldnt have anything to say to me. we would hurt each other on purpose just to make sure we were human.

the daniel i have now is the optimist i could never be. no matter how many words of encouragement he gives me, they will always feel empty because he never cared enough about himself to fully care about me.

my father - despite what he says and what i think of the things he says to me, they are still my fathers words. i could never doubt why he said them or where they came from.

tom - the man whom, if i disembowelled myself, wouldnt be surprised at the things he saw, because hes seen them all already. i know he would never tell me i couldnt do it, and for that reason, he is a man that im sure i would give a vital organ for.

the only person whom i could not figure out was my grandfather. im not sure what he would say to me. maybe because ive forgotten most of the things hes said, or maybe because i was too young to remember if he was ever proud of me. i will always wonder, because he was the one person i wanted most to make proud.