my week has not been fantastic.
i constantly wake up wanting to puke and it wasnt until recently that i realized i may be developing an ulcer.
i wrote to someone hoping they would answer my questions and finally lay them at rest. perhaps i expected too much and that is why i feel so disappointed.
i had three hours of sleep one night because of a presentation that my professor thought i was unprepared for. her opinion quickly changed when my presentation was given, despite some technical difficulties. i was unable to show harold and kumar go to white castle to further showcase this idea of the model minority within asian americans.
i also had a chemistry exam that was quite brutal in spite of how it was straightforward and clear cut.
however, these things were on the back burner while i grappled with my mental state of i guess, myself.
i tried to understand whether or not i truly belonged here. "here" being, with the people i am surrounded by.
while i usually have relatively good judgement on how much i should drink, i had a lapse in judgement last weekend. i passed out and woke up still drunk (but hangover free). i was unavailable for most of the unnecessary dramatics that ensued that night - (which i was glad i had missed), but merely listening to them and looking at the bubble from outside the waxy, soapy plane the next morning made me a little repulsed. i began to wonder why, considering i had no problems with these people before. i suppose sometimes its the little things that creep up on you and are the most important when it comes to ones character. its always been hard for me to find my niche and for a majority of my life (in my long hard 19 years of vitality), when involved in social situations, i have always felt left out. on top of this, i hate shitty people. this may sound like an overgeneralizing and completely superficial statement, but i have high standards for the competence level of human beings, especially those i share my company with.
i have very few friends. i am not popular, nor have i ever been, and i can deal with that.
it was hard enough for me at home, but going away for school proved to be an even greater task, making me feel more at a loss than ever before.
yes, i have the option of removing myself from these situations, but i also wondered why i didnt fit in and why i could never be "me" around them. this plagued me for many days and in the process, i shunned those people in question. not to be cruel, but merely because i didnt know any other way to fully capacitate how to deal my with my emotions. i suppose i needed "christina time." it wasnt right for me to do this, but i had a hard time making it clear to people that i was going through something that i didnt understand and more importantly, understand how to rectify. i was stuck in a stasis, not knowing who and where to turn to.
i had a hard time sleeping sunday night thinking about all of this and i awoke to a horrible dream that made my chest pound long after i got out of bed.
a masked man followed me into my own home and my mother killed him with a large kitchen knife in her bed. sweat and blood covered the sheets while she was on top of him, plunging the knife further into his gut. all the victim and killer could do was laugh. very scary.
so, this brings me to last night.
i was still feeling a little lethargic from my week, but i decided that i should try and put these things aside and have a good halloween. over the week, my excitment towards this pagan holiday dwindled, but i kept some spirits up and went through with it. my costume wasnt the greatest due to some unavailable resources, but i tried my best. (i was suppose to be a 50s pin up girl but i lacked a push-up bra and refused to get one. plus, hanging out in my underwear is probably not the best idea on a buffalo night.) we arrive at a frat party that ran out of beer and what followed was simply an event that i would like to erase forever, if not, for a very long time. i was upset with my friends in addition to feeling like the most unattractive person at this house. halloween is the one night in the entire year in which girls are
allowed and even
encouraged to dress like sluts and on this one night, i just wanted to be just as slutty. but i wasnt, which i suppose could be a good and/or bad thing.
i remember seeing a cowboy/pirate (im not too sure what he was) making out with a nurse on the couch. their heads were consumed by each others in the darkness and his hand was on her bare thigh.
i also remembered someone offering me his personal bathroom to urinate in. one without porn, or maybe just his own personal stack. i said no and later realized how stupid i was for being so oblivious.
by the end of this night, i almost got into a fight with my friend but was later quelled in her drunken mass of sorrow. after this, i called my sister on the phone and cried about everything. i cried about the two people in my life that i cared about the most but hurt me the most when our relationships fell apart in the face of everything i tried to do about them. i cried about feeling alone and being misunderstood. she tried to explain to me that the city was where i found my solace and that here, i didnt have that.
buffalo's a funny place. it has the ability to make you feel absolutely lonely and depressed. the sun hardly comes out, but people manage to still keep their spirits up. i find this incredibly hard. maybe its the seasons. there are only two - spring and winter. there was a piece in the "generation" a magazine at ub, an end note by the editor in chief. i save it on my wall just to remind myself that in a lonely place, you arent as lonely as you think when there are others feeling the same way. but no matter what, its still a singular feeling.
so, my halloween plans are as follows: decorating my door, playing dr. demento's "monster mash" on loop, and watching shaun of the dead.
...and that's how halloween died.
